1: Time Sink
They take too long in a world where I never seem to have enough time. I wouldn’t mind so much if I actually had a pile of gold coins or wolf pelts at the side of the sofa when I’m done. The sad truth is, when I finish a game, I have nothing to show for it.
2: Limited editions
When you get a special edition DVD you get nice packaging, commentaries, cut scenes and interviews, but with games you get a special hat or some shining in-game shoes. Not that I want commentary or heaven forbid, an interview with the textures girl or the level design guy, it’s just that I don’t see the point of these editions at all. Even if the box art does have silver foil on the armour – who cares?
3: Collectibles
Assassin’s Creed is the new Tomb Raider when it comes to getting gamers to chase after useless ingame tat. Where once we had shiny statuettes, we now have white feathers. You start collecting them in earnes, get to level 10 and realise you only have 17 out of 1,000. Bollocks. But something compels you to continue to pick one up when you come across it, even though you know it’s futile.
4: End of level bosses
No "I hate games" rant of mine would be complete without these lumbering oafs. They’re just there to stop you getting to the next bit and maybe throw your controller out of the window in a fit of pique. Boss battles are usually predictable, annoying and repetitive.
Let’s see. You’re trapped in a room (usually round), said boss is in middle and sometimes reveals his soft underbelly, which glows red, you hit it and then run around the edge of the room waiting for the next opportunity to strike. You finally think you’ve killed him, only for him to rise up and release annoying minions. You kill minions, repeat stage one, only for it all to happen again, another three times. Oh and sometimes you’re given pillars to cower behind.
I’m glad to say, Bulletstorm didn’t feel the need to kill my good humour stone dead with a big bad at the end – it deserves applause for that alone.
5: Sticky scenery
I thought the 21st century would herald a new epoch in gaming. It’s no longer 1995, so I don’t expect to get stuck on walls – I’m looking at you Lara. No more morphing with hedges or disappearing through staircases. Well that’s what I thought, but alas and alack. Not too long ago I was unable to finish a level because I accidentally walked through a wall and couldn’t get back again. Hello Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood. "Wha!?" I hear you cry, "but that was 2010."
The fact is, we now have DLC, so nobody bothers to debug games any more. Why bother when you can whistle while you patch?
6: It’s Summer
Well I know it’s still spring, but we’re having that most rare of things – a heatwave. Yes, it’s the great British summer in April and blink and you’ll miss it, so I’m living in the garden at the moment.
Sadly, it’s impossible to play games outside. There’s the glare and the extension cables and frankly, the 360 doesn’t need any more excuses to overheat. I could build shade, but that would be like being inside and make the whole thing futile, so summer spells a gap in my seasonal gaming.
7: Lame Storylines
It’s something games do well. There’s been an outbreak of a mutating virus that’s ravaged mankind. Alien invasion. Evil corporation injects soldiers to make them mutants. Evil mystical empire awakes ultimate evil to steal talisman of ultimate glory. Do I need to go on?
8: Endings
Game endings are rarely satisfying. Red Dead Redemption and Mass Effect were successful and made me sigh that satisfied gamer sigh and want to go down the pub and talk about it with friends. Assassin’s Creed always leaves me going huh!? And Bulletstorm was a bit m’kay.
And then there’s the end credits. They go on for an age and I don’t begrudge them because literally hundreds of people go into these things, but I do begrudge having to sit through them just in case there’s an extra bit. Let us skip to the end or at least give us some decent music.
Here endeth the lesson.
Most played: Bulletstorm
Most wanted: L.A. Noire